Baby Crazy

I won't be shocked if "Baby Crazy" isn't my title for more than one blog post. 

Lately, I've been questioning my sanity.  Am I too young to have a baby?  Certaintly not according to history... but there are times when I know I'm going to miss being just selfish 'ol me.  Where I get to go to the gym, see a movie, do nothing but watch TV, clean the apartment, all on a whim.

I am realistic that having a baby changes EVERYTHING.  But I'm also excited for those changes.  Weird?

Well, I suppose my baby histeria isn't going away any time soon.  This last weekend I went to a baby shower of a friend and there were somanycutebabieseverywhere!  I saw the tiniest onesies and the cutest little feet and cheeks.  I'm so excited to teach my baby about the world.  I'm so excited to MEET that baby for the first time. 

Somthing sort of odd that I've always though of is - a woman is born with all the eggs she's ever going to have.  So in a way that means that she's been carrying that future baby of hers her entire life.  This is why, to me, it makes sense that women become mothers when they find out that they're pregnant, where traditionally men don't become "fathers" until the baby is actually born.  This is just what I understand about men and women from the podcasts I've listened to and such.  Your personal story may be (and probably is) quite different. 

For me, I just know that whenever I meet my little critter for the first time, I'm going to be overwhelmed with emotions.  I know I'm going to cry.  It's going to be the happiest day of my life and I look forward to that SO MUCH.  Is that why I'm baby crazy?  I look forward to my life changing in ways I never thought possible, I look forward to relinquishing control and making the baby my #1 in my life. 

I'm looking forward to it so much.

The husband and I are officially starting to try in January. 

Why does that scare me so much? 

Given what I've mentioned above, I certainly feel fear.  For many reasons... some of which I can't quite put my finger on because they're the ones that are telling me that maybe I'm not ready.  Although those feelings are in a major conflict with those that say that I am.  Getting so close to actually beginning to try scares the crap out of me.  Maybe because it's starting to become real... that what I've got worked up in my head is all just some glorious fantasy that will never be realized.  Maybe it's because I know at a certain point my baby is going to tell me they hate me for some reason or another.  Maybe it's because I don't have control over a whole other person as much as I would like.  What if they grow up and start doing drugs, or don't do as well in school as I would like, or if they don't have any friends and they grow up feeling lonely and there's nothing I can do to help them feel better about themselves?

It's a sick feeling. 

But just to be sure, I promise that I'm going to give my kids the best life I can possibly give.  I've already opened up 2 529 college savings accounts, putting away $30 a month in them just to start saving for their college.  They're not even here yet!  Not even close.  But I want them to know that I've thought about them long before they were ever born.  And I've loved them, even at this point - before I even get to see their faces, or hear their little hearts beating. 

It's pure freaking love.  It's the most honest feeling I can say I've ever felt.  This is it.  I can't wait to meet you guys.