Fear Is A Strong Force

I am scared.

I am scared that I can't get pregnant.

I don't know why - but something tells me that I can't. 

Right now I'm 2 days late of my assumed cycle duration of 30 days.  I've decided if it takes longer than 36 I'm calling the doctor and meeting with her again to see if there is something wrong with me.

Right now I feel numb to this fact - that maybe I could be infertile.  I type those words and they don't make me ache the way that they should.  I think I'm separating myself from really feeling what could potentially happen.  Mostly because I need to compose myself for the remainder of the day.

I've been very emotional lately.  I cry just about every episode of greys anatomy - which I play a few a day especially before the husband comes home.  It feels good to cry.  The sting of the tears in my eyes actually feels good.  I don't know why, just the release of a pain that I'm not really ready to confirm or admit to myself. 

I'm very scared about not being able to get pregnant. 

Right now I'm losing interest in even having kids.  A month ago it was all I could think about but now I'm getting withdrawn.  Peeing on those sticks and never seeing a positive ovulation or obviously a positive pregnancy test isn't what it used to be... I don't stare at the sticks until the results are ready.  I've become very withdrawn from the experience. 

I take my temperature every morning, record it in my fertility app, eat a healthy breakfast of 4-5 egg whites and one whole egg with hot sauce, and 3 prenatal vitamins.  I pee on the sticks first thing to get the most concentrated stuff before eating, then check it out after.

I think about babies all day... but the feeling isn't as strong.  I'm weirded out. 

I just want to be able to describe the way I'm feeling but I think it's impossible to convey to someone right now.  It probably sounds like I'm disinterested in becoming a mother... maybe that is how I feel a little bit.  Or maybe I just want to leave that lottery ticket unscratched and leave the possibility that I can have kids some day on the table.  I don't want it confirmed that I'm unable to have children.  I think that will break me.