Sensitivity

When I was TTCAL it was all I could think about. And it seemed like everywhere I looked was a pregnant woman who didn't know she was hurting me.

How soon we forget, right?

It doesn't take much to take me back to those moments when I had to fight off tears because I couldn't understand why she was pregnant and I wasn't. The news would always hit me in the gut and I would instantly try to distract myself somehow, usually by looking at my phone and my reassuring Britney Spears photo...

I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant. And I'm extremely thankful because it takes a really strong person to keep trying and trying for months after a loss and to keep seeing a single line in those tests. I'm thankful that for whatever reason my body decided to "take" this pregnancy and that I'm this far. I'm looking forward to "V-Day" - the day when if I were to have a premature baby, he would have a tiny chance at survival.

Sometimes I almost wonder if I have celebrated my pregnancy in a way that has stung someone else. Have I hurt someone else by posting my facebook announcement? Did my posts get hidden from their feed at my announcement? Does me saying something casually in a group setting about my pregnancy make someone who is quietly suffering wonder why I'm pregnant and she isn't?

I tried my hardest to put myself in the shoes of the pregnant women I'd see... maybe they struggled themselves? If they had, then maybe I don't have to "hate" them so much. Or more accurately, be outrageously jealous...  I hope that everyone who's out there still trying gets their BFP soon. I don't want anyone to know that kind of pain.

I wish that no one ever had to go through losses or infertility. It simply isn't fair.

Now that I'm PgAL - all I can think about is this baby. I'm scared stupid about his fate... I wish I could fast forward to 37 weeks when I'm considered full term and ready to go into labor at any day.