What a difference...

I'm going to try not to dwell on this today, but I do think it's worth remembering that today marks one year from The Appointment. It's been a whole entire year since I found out my little baby wasn't with us anymore and it still breaks my heart.

Here she is during the dating ultrasound... heartbeat pounding away.

That day was without a doubt the worst day of my life, well this week last year was pretty much day after day of "worsts". I'm still sad thinking about what was lost that day and to be honest I have changed a lot in the last year.

I wonder if I could have erased the whole thing from my life, would I do it? Could I erase her from my life to live with less pain? Even with all those tears I cried, I can say absolutely not. Seeing that positive pregnancy test for the first time in March 2012 was life changing. And for a few weeks, I was growing my baby and taking care of her, excitedly telling family and friends and looking forward to her due date.

Sure, part of me wishes that I could go back to being as naive as I was during that pregnancy. 

And part of me still wants to slap anyone in the face as hard as I can who says, "god has a plan." But I digress...

I've learned more about myself, such as how instead of being quiet about a loss I started to write about it. Joined a community of women who have gone through/are going through the same things. I confided in people about my TTCAL journey via this blog. Made a pretty darn awesome friend IRL who lives on the East Coast who sadly was going through the same thing as me. We identified with one another through the blogging world and decided to meet in August last year. Now she and I are pregnant again and due within 15 days of each other!

"Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me."

I count myself as extremely lucky. Today, I'm pregnant and I love my baby. I have about 7 weeks to go until we meet this little guy. I get to feel him wiggling like crazy on a daily basis! I hope he knows how much we love him already...