Different than before

At the end of the day yesterday I realized that the day before I didn't think about the loss of my baby, Adrian. All day.

When I came home from work, after realizing this, I was so exhausted and depressed because I didn't give her a thought that I just laid in bed crying for a little while before taking a short nap.

The hubs got home, gently woke me up, and we talked about it. I told him how I felt like a terrible person because I "forgot" her that day. The experience left me feeling like I have a hole in my heart and that I'm an insensitive person and a terrible mother.

It just stinks...

When I told the hubs this, he rationalized it for me, saying that I've had a lot on my mind. Work was pretty busy and my back started hurting earlier that day than usual... which kind of keeps my mind occupied ("fuck, my back is ALREADY killing me?"). I looked forward to my first ever aquatics class just for pregnant women and hoping that it would assist me in some relief. (It did! I recommend you check out classes in your area!)

I even posted on the boards, something that I haven't done in a while. I have been distancing myself from the boards for some time now and I don't know why. I'm much more of a lurker than a constant poster. This is probably because it's been so busy at work recently that it's been hard to really get that momentum going again. But I did post on the boards and I got some great support and advice from the other PgAL women. Basically they told me that I'm healing from the loss and that it's normal - maybe even biological - to not dwell on the pain of the loss on a daily basis.

I was worried that forgetting one day meant that I would eventually just forget entirely. I was assured that this won't be the case.

One of the things that triggers this fear that I will forget is the fact that I really don't have anything to show for Adrian. Just some ultrasound pictures which I keep tucked away. And the fact that people often ask, "Is this your first?" and I reply, "Yes" even though I know that's definitely not true.

From time to time, little Adrian does pop up in my head. She would be almost 5 months old right now. I'd be back at work after maternity leave and probably be quite adjusted to a new life of picking her up from daycare yet still exhausted from intermittent sleep patterns.

These are all the things that I think of every time someone says "just you wait" or "your life is about to change forever" and then they post some bullshit article to my facebook wall about how great I have it now. "Sleep while you can" and other unsolicited advice gets my heart pounding and blood boiling, especially when this advice comes from those closest to me who have no idea that I would kill to be feeling those things right now. I want to scream, "If you can't stand how your kids changed your life then keep it to yourself because you sound ungrateful - I don't give a shit about your stupid advice!"

Instead, I feel like I've been pregnant now for well over a year. I'm going through the process of buying all the things I need. I feel like I'm going overboard at times, buying cloth diapers and such for a baby that's not here yet, but then I think that I should have bought these items 6 months ago and that I should already be using them.

To be quite blunt, this whole loss still has had a great impact on my life. I think I can see quite clearly that I'm not going to forget because I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just over a year ago. I've made some pretty big changes in my life and have found peace with some big life decisions I've made.

I guess I don't know the point of this entry other than to just show that you don't recover from a loss magically when you get pregnant again. It still hurts, but in different ways than before.

Update: Bump pics!

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