DH Talks!

Last night DH and I had a bit of a breakthrough - he actually talked about his feelings with me! I feel bad that this was sort of weaseled out of him though... let's walk through this together.

We were cuddling in bed and something made me thing of Adrian... our baby that we lost. It had been a long time since I'd really let my thoughts go to the place where I'm sad and let myself cry, but today was the day. I have her ultrasound photo on the background of my laptop. Normally I don't see it because it's covered with whatever browser we have open, but today I looked at it... looked at her... and really let it sink in again.

Today I would have been 15 weeks along. I don't even know what fruit that equates to because I made sure right after the loss that I unsubscribed myself from every baby mailing list I excitedly signed myself up for just weeks before.

Pregnant women look at fruit a completely different way than non pregnant people

Anyways, last night it really got to me. How we saw the heartbeat - how there was an actual heart in there. Growing... but then it stopped for whatever reason. It just breaks my heart thinking that there was something wrong and I didn't know about it until 3 weeks after her heart stopped beating. Something inside me clicked and I started to feel that warm tinge of a tear running down my cheek.

I asked my husband to be sad with me. I know he has felt sad, but he hasn't showed it around me. I asked him to tell me about his feelings and he pretty much refused at first. He said that he had accepted it and was moving on... Moving on? It's only been like 3 weeks since we found out! I couldn't understand how he was able to say those words to my face. He never appeared sad to me. I think I saw a tear or two when we first found out, but beyond that he had been stoic.

This is how I picture my husband when I ask to talk about our feelings. He's a lucky, lucky guy!

It hurt to think that maybe he wasn't hurting. And if he wasn't hurting then I really was alone in the pain of this loss - even though I do find support online and through friends/family... but none of them really know what's going on or have the connection to what was lost like we do.

The conversation escalated to him accusing me of judging him and his response to the loss, which resulted in me being angry that he has no emotions... about 5-10 minutes of screaming later... we calmed down on the couch and he just started talking. He remembered how he felt when I called him from the hospital, how he was interrupted at work by the receptionist to answer my call. How it felt for him to drive the 45 minutes back home to see me... and how it felt having to tell everyone that we lost the baby.

I found comfort knowing that there is something behind that hard exterior of his. Knowing that I wasn't really alone at all. I asked him to bring Adrian up on his own, to talk about her when he thinks about her, and to realize that if I cry because he's talking about her - it's not because HE is hurting me, the hurt is there no matter what - but I cry because I remember her and this is how I respond to thinking about her.

It's been 3 weeks now since the D&C. It's incredible how fast time flies when you're swimming in a sea of emotions. I think I'm getting healed up physically. Emotionally - I will get there. I'm really looking forward to 2-3 months from now when we actually can start trying again.