Mascara and Control

Just when you thought it was safe to wear mascara to work...

Some days just get you thinking about what might have been. I had a baby inside me with a heart that was beating and she was growing to be the one person I can say that I love more than anyone in the world. Yes, my husband holds #1 place right now and family and friends are right up there... but your baby is the person you would die for in a heartbeat, without hesitation.

Last night before bed I closed my eyes and out of nowhere I pictured a baby. Just laying on a white sheet and looking off to his/her left. It was so random because it wasn't a dream, and it was clear as day. I'm not sure what to believe about religion etc. but there has to be an afterlife, right? It was as if someone just shot me down a picture of my baby just cooing away in heaven or wherever.

Well anyways - I wanted to discuss the HIMYM video I posted yesterday. She's getting here as fast as she can...

I can't understand why those words just make me well up. I just picture my little baby comically packing up her things in an old suitcase and waiting for her ride to get here.

Yup, this is what she's doing.

But she really is trying to get here too, I can feel it. I can't wait until my husband and I can actually start trying again and until we get that positive pregnancy test. I am so impatient, but the clip I posted talks about waiting. It reminds me that I need to be patient because regardless of how our baby gets here, she is really trying to get here as fast as she can.

I looked at my ultrasound photo, which I keep hung up on my bulletin board at work. It is hidden away in a piece of paper that I decorated with stars so I just lift of the flap and see her picture whenever I want to. I keep the flap down for the most part. It is simply impossible to relive that day when we saw her not knowing that she was likely going to stop growing the very next day. We heard her heartbeat for crying out loud. My companion in this hell understands (you know who you are). You see the heartbeat and you're thought to be SAFE. I hear stats like 3% of pregnancies are spontaneously aborted after seeing the heartbeat.

That means there was enough chromosomal NORMALITY to produce a beating heart in the first place. I will never know exactly what caused her to stop growing or why her little heart stopped beating. I try hard not to blame myself even though I torture myself anyways with the whys or the what ifs.

My friend sat me down shortly after the miscarriage and told me that it wasn't anything I did wrong. It wasn't because I had ice cream instead of a salad that one day... it just happened.

She's getting here as fast as she can 

A mantra I will now repeat every day until I hold my baby.

The mind of a wannabe pregnant woman is nucking futz. I just spent about 30 minutes researching a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor which is basically this insanely expensive fertility testing kit that you use to predict when you'll be most fertile. I somehow closed the webpage of an ebay listing for a (yes) USED kit that someone has used. You see, you have to buy insanely expensive pee sticks to go with the insanely expensive test. But it apparently tells you when you need to get it on in order to have a baby.

I've just really started charting using Fertility Friend. Charting for me right now is just taking my temp every morning following the wise advice of my virtual friend to remember the temperature after I sleepily take it, but thinking of it as a 7.8 on the perfect 10.0 scale a'la the olympics.

I would totally watch this.

So that's what I'm doing to try and maintain my control. That and I'm going to stop wearing mascara to work again... it's too hard to tell whether my watery eyes are enough to make it smudge and why the hell do I care if people think my lashes are long and lush anyways?