The TTA Bench

Urgggggg is there anything more frustrating than not being able to TRY for a baby when you want one?

PFFFFFT

*I hate when I ask myself questions like this because of course there are more frustrating things... 

but they don't apply to me right now!*

Right now, I'm sitting at my desk and just feeling a little hopeful and just anxious to get on the baby making train again. In fact, after I wrote yesterday's blog post about not buying a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, I went and bought one online. Yup, a USED fertility monitor.
Ok, don't be grossed out by me! I'm less concerned about the impression of buying this thing used than I am about the germs.

Reasons:
-I realized the sticks used are capped on the urine retrieving end before putting them into the monitor for reading.
-I'm not a germophobe, I don't LOVE urine but I doubt they're shipping me little cups of their own pee and if anything it's just trace amounts that I can wipe away.
-COST! The thing brand new is anywhere from $100-140 bucks! Plus the cost of the stupidly expensive sticks (which I found out you don't need to use every day, just like 7 or so a month).

We're gonna need a bigger box of antibiotic wipes.

The one I bought started at $60 on ebay and I trolled the auction until the last minute (literally) when I placed my bid of up to $80. Final winning bid was $75. The shipment will also include 22 test strips (unused I imagine) so really it's a value of $150ish if it were brand new. I'm a total ebay FUH-REAK lately. While I was pregnant I went overboard and bought a ton of maternity clothes on the super cheap (less than $4/shirt... yeah, I want that.)

So even though I'm on the TTA bench, I feel like I can be proactive and take control. I NEED control. I don't care about controlling people at work like some people in my office, and I don't need to keep my apartment spotless - seriously it's a mess right now, but I do need to control my future. I need to control my fertility!

When you start your TTC journey not even sure you're able to have kids because of undiagnosed PCOS and irregular cycles, you get a little scared of the possibility of it never happening for you. My cycles are so long and they seemed to be getting longer with each passing month. I don't know if this has anything to do with PCOS or if it's just my body getting used to being off of birth control.

Now that I've had a D&C the control is even further from me. I don't know how my cycle will regulate after this miscarriage. I assume I'll see good ol AF in 2 weeks or so. She will be greeted with open freaking arms because she'll be a sign that my body has returned to it's normal state.

Somehow buying gadgets and books (like Taking Charge of Your Fertility, also purchased on ebay for less than $4 - brand new it's over $20) makes me feel like I have some say in my body and my future. If only I could get inside my uterus and point the sperm where to go...