Going Crazy

Yesterday I started going crazy in a bad way.  I listened to a podcast that was all about getting in the right state of mind for trying for a pregnancy and this woman kind of turned it into how her experience in not being able to conceive brought her "down to her knees" and she couldn't explain why.

She didn't have to.

I could feel the pain in her voice just by listening to her relive her story.  She recalled not wanting to go to baby showers after trying to get pregnant because she had to force herself to be happy for the expecting mother.  And it's not like she wasn't happy for them, but it's hard to see someone get something that you want so badly.  I could just FEEL the pain and I could relate to her so much. 

I suppose that's the course of being a woman though... when you get to this point in your life and you know what you want next - in this case motherhood - it's hard to think that you can't just work harder, or pay money to get what you're trying to accomplish.  This is the first time in my life that I've ever wanted something so badly but there really are no means to get it but wait and, dare I say it, pray?

So I'm like 10 minutes away from leaving work to go to an acupuncture appointment.  I'm going 2x a week for a few weeks and trying to sneak it into my lunch hour and lying to coworkers saying that I'm having a "friend date".  Really it's just me getting my body in the best possible place for conception.

Speaking of my body, this morning I went to the bathroom and met with dear old AF.  Honestly, I was kind of thinking that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant this month.  yeah I know I wasn't officially ready to start trying for a few more days even but things happened and it was a definite possibility. 

I am not torn to shreds about this because I know it wasn't meant to be right now.  It would have been cool if I was though right?

But going back to listening to that podcast - well I think I need to take my mind off of babies for a little while.  And maybe not listen to ANY baby related podcasts or look up any cute baby onesies until I know for sure that I'm actually pregnant. 

So I leave you with that... while I drink my caffeinated coffee and plan on enjoying a drink tonight at the Vagina Monologues.  Yup.  That's not a joke.