I caved

So I finally caved and opened up to a coworker about my baby craziness.  This was over beers and spilling secrets left and right.  It was nice to feel that closeness with a girl friend.  Although I still have friends all around - I just haven't had that option to spill my TTC plans to anyone yet - not even my closest friends.

I suppose I'm afraid of what their responses might be.  Honestly, I'm a little afraid that they'll be disappointed in me for some reason.  But I don't let those thoughts get in my way too much.  After telling one person, I feel like I still need to keep my guard up although at the same time it was liberating knowing that I have one less person to hide my plans. 

I'm still nervous about going to the doctor on Friday - I still haven't "started" yet.  On CD 38 now.  Look at me picking up TTC acronyms.  If you can't understand GTFO.  I jest.

Since I am so late I've obviously taken 3 pregnancy tests in 2 days.  I have to admit that it would be great to see that positive test result.  I'm very positive that I'm not (see the beer drinking above).  It's very depressing that I'm not even though I'm still trying to wait a month.

I went to a basketball game with my husband last night.  Afterwards when we were stuck in traffic trying to leave the parking lot I put on my Pregtastic Podcast.  We listened to a podcast about cloth vs. disposable diapers.  He told me that he knows I'm going to be a good mom some day and part of me thinks I'm fooling myself - that I'm not actually ABLE to have kids.  This fear inside me is like about ready to come out screaming because once we start trying - like REALLY trying - what happens when I get month after month of disappointment?  It's going to rip my heart apart. 

While walking out to my car from the game I told my husband about a facebook message that the husband of a friend of mine posted, it said something to the tune of "I just felt my baby kick, what an incredible feeling".  Then my husband looked at me and said that he was jealous.  I don't know if he said it because he really is jealous or if he was just trying to make me happy or maybe both.  But he said it and it made me happy to know that we are really on the same page and both really ready for this next step in our lives. 

Wow, writing this out really does help.  I can't wait until all this worry is just a distant memory and I'm too busy with a baby to even think about it anymore.