A New Normal

It's been 12 weeks since The Appointment.

Yes, THE appointment where my life exploded and I thought my world was crumbling underneath me.

I have grown so much in these last 12 weeks - it's unbelievable. I've never gone through a loss that I couldn't understand fully. I have lost family members and friends to disease, cancer, car crashes etc. Those things all had a clear explanation for the how and the WHY there was a loss but losing your fetus is heartwrenching. There was never that moment of being able to hold my baby and look at them in my eyes and feel the love - that instant warmth in my heart - everything that I know what being a parent is going to be for me. Along with all that responsibility crap

At times I can barely believe that it's been nearly 3 months since the loss... But then again it feels like ages have passed!

The hubs and I are officially TTC again and I have to admit that it's relieving in a way. I have this new thing to look forward to - trying to figure out when I O and anticipate it because we have to get down and dirty beforehand in order to make it count. My temps have been up the last 2 days and I'm a little wishy washy about whether or not that was due to a really REALLY fun weekend with the hubs and some friends... or if it's actually up because it's the THERMAL TEMP SHIFT we TTC'ers (especially those that aren't confident that they're o-ing) wish for!

Well, I'm being optimistic and thinking that it's the O that's making my temp shift because it was a pretty dramatic shift! FINGERS CROSSED!

Now it's le waiting game. Ye Olde Two Week Wait.

Color me optimistic - and I even hate to have those words in "print" because being optimistic means that it could be that much more crushing when/if AF comes in a few weeks to make me swear like a sailor.

If that is the case and I do see AF - then I just need to deal with it, pick my shit up and move on. And then cautiously monitor each and every symptom for signs of O and figure out when to have sexytime. More accurately I'm going to flip out and scream when I reach for that tampon... Fuck you AF. You bested me this month but next month is mine!

If things go well and I am pregnant this cycle... well party in my uterus! I have a hard time believing that I'll be able to not be a paranoid freak though about every little thing.

I guess I have 2 weeks to figure out what kind of crazy I'm going to be.