CD6: Well eff

Well eff me... AF is back after no flow yesterday. Ummmm can we all agree to murder this bitch? Seriously... it's like back on full flow. This has never happened to me after a day of NO flow. Not even spotting.

Today has been a roller coaster already. A coworker texted me first thing this morning that her "heavily pregnant" friend was going to be in the office all day today. I should point out that it's not that I have any problems with their pregnancy... not really anyways. But it just reminds me of where I should be instead of where I am.

Back to square 1.

A new cycle... a new flow... a new egg to be developed and hopefully to come at a completely appropriate time when I can BD to my heart's content and make sure that we at least hit our mark...

Why was it so simple last time for me? I thank my lucky stars that when I got my BFP me and DH weren't really trying like this. I wasn't temping/drinking pom/DGT/charting CM... NONE of that. I guess I casually temped but never saw a pattern until last month... It was all just luck. We kind of gave ourselves the month off in March knowing that we had some exciting events coming up.

When I peed on that stick and saw the faintest line... my life changed. It was like - this is it, our lives were changing. We put an offer on our house the day after we saw our baby on the ultrasound and we thought we had it all figured out.

I hate that this happened to me... to us really. Anyone who's reading this blog has some experience with loss I assume. I go crazy every single day thinking about our baby and what should be. I know I need to look forward because there isn't anything I can do from this point on to bring my baby back. Why is that so hard though?

My mind is conflicted. I have a hard time being OK with the loss but some stupid thoughts come into my head that make a silver lining out of the worst tragedy of my life.

• I wouldn't be able to drink with my friends the way I do now
• I wouldn't have gotten involved with volleyball and met some really cool people in my area
• I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know my coworkers as well... because... well we drink

In a heartbeat though I would give it all back, trade those good things in my life for my pregnancy again. I would do so much to reverse time. Ugh... I hate feeling like this.

I'm consumed with grief and my heart feels cold. Sometimes I only really know my heart is still there because of the pain I feel inside it. Not warmth. Just all consuming fear and sadness. The "what if this happens again" thoughts. The "why me" thoughts. 

I need to get over it all. Just take everything one day at a time... or one minute at a time. Even though those minutes are painful I need to get positive. I need to smile and live life and not miss the good stuff, because it's all good really. (Thanks Buggy List - you're the only positive inspiration I have going for me today)

Just gotta keep on trucking as they say.