All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

This morning I woke up tired. I had one of those nights of sleep that was really sound and peaceful otherwise, but the fact that I cried - A LOT - the night before really screwed me up. Maybe it's something about the saltiness of your tears that ironically dries up your eyes making them feel sleepy.

Luckily this morning I don't have puffy eye syndrome. Probably because I took a nice long bath after my sob session with my counselor yesterday.

When Brian came home I didn't want to talk about what bothered me earlier that day. I was done crying and if I started to talk about it again I would just get upset again...

Oh bother. I have daddy issues.

I'm not about to start swinging on a pole for money - although I would enjoy taking a class or two if they were offered in the area. Seriously though... I can't stand my father. He is the parent I hope I never turn into and he's kind of the reason I'm in counseling in the first place.

I'm laboring with the thought of calling him and telling him all the things I can't stand about him. But one thing I want to drill into his pathetic brain... that he has been blessed with 4 healthy children and never had a miscarriage but he actually makes a conscious effort to not talk to us. Any of us. I don't know the last time he picked up the phone to chat with any of us. He neglects to call us on our birthdays. He refused to attend my wedding reception (thus the reason for no father/daughter dance and also why I had my mom walk me down the aisle instead).

He made a choice along his life path to remove himself from his children's lives.

I never had a choice to lose my child. I never will get to hold her or tell her I love her... I literally dream about doing just that.

My father can call us any day now and tell us he loves us or just talk about his life and ask us about ours... but he hasn't.

He never called me after I found out I was pregnant  at the end of March even just to say hi... and it's early July... I never called him to tell him about the pregnancy or the miscarriage. I haven't talked to him or received an email from him (that wasn't a forward) in that time affording me the opportunity to tell him what happened.

But now I want to tell him that he's a piece of shit for electing to not be in our lives.

I'm going back and forth on whether or not to tell him, and if so how. And if I do - what do I expect? Honestly, I expect nothing from him. Maybe some more distance in our relationship, as if that were possible.

My counselor didn't tell me I shouldn't contact him after our session. I don't think I'm going to see him acting as a father to me again. And even if he were to change his tune and suddenly start calling once a week, I think I would be more annoyed than pleased that he's changed. I also wouldn't trust him.

So what's the point in keeping lines of communication open? There is none. I'm closing this window. If he wants to contact me he'll have to call.