Optimistic?

Today I feel somewhat optimistic about my future. I don't understand why because yesterday I felt really depressed about the loss but today I'm feeling more "ok" with it.

My heart still hurts when I really let myself think of the loss but I'm getting more and more ready to try again for another baby in the future. I count myself lucky that all things considered I am a healthy person and that my body does, indeed, know how to get pregnant.

I do still get angry at the people who don't understand the loss though... I kind of feel like the next person who says, "It was God's plan," or "It wasn't meant to be," can take a number to get a roundhouse kick to the face.

It's not that I don't understand WHY people say those things, but the sentiment behind them is entirely meaningless and misdirected. Personally, I don't think there was a plan behind this or that someone was or wasn't meant to be. No one can say that to my face without making it hurt more somehow.

No one else, besides a select few - who I have found to be some of the bravest and best women I could ever "meet," really understand this hell. And if it weren't for the friends I've made through the message boards and through blogging, I don't know if I would be able to say that I'm feeling optimistic today.

My body is a mystery, I don't really know WTF is going on or why I haven't seen AF the way she usually appears. I've googled, "What's the difference between AF and spotting" more times than I can count because I'm not 100% sure that what's been going on this week doesn't "count" as AF after a miscarriage.

Whether it is or isn't AF, I know that worrying about it isn't going to help me one way or another. But I have a plan, more or less, to take control of what I can actually control.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am charting. I have a shiny new BBT that was recommended by fellow TTCAL'ers and dozens and dozens of test strips that I'm going to use to plot my health and this whole TTC journey. It makes me feel in control! And the best part of this new bbt is that it isn't as loud as an alarm clock (DH hated that about my last one!)

I still wish every day that I were still pregnant. I wish nothing had ever gone wrong. The Appointment is now a fuzzy memory that I think I've done a good job of really blocking the details out specifically in my head. I can't wait until I am pregnant again. I can't wait to start trying again. I can't wait for us to begin our lives as parents.

I'm pretty positive today! That doesn't happen often but today I'll take it!